How-twos: Opening a locked door

Step by step instructions to help the layperson complete the arduous task of opening a locked door.

1. Approach the door with caution, they can be extremely dangerous.

2. If it is a yellow door turn around and run away, they are impossible to open.

3. Examine the door for any signs that may indicate how it is feeling that day.

• Example (If the door has a sign that says I hate Mondays you can use that to your advantage. Tell the door how dumb Mondays are and that you hate them too. This will create a connection with the door that could make it easier for you to unlock it.)

4. Try turning the knob, who knows it may be unlocked already. (No dice. Go to next step)

5. Walk away from the door and go find a window.

• Important note: Never show your back to a door, always walk away facing the door. They have been known to attack people for no reason.

6. Once you have found a window tell it how clear and easy to see through it is. They like it when you sweet-talk them.

7. Now pick up a rock and smash the window. This is okay to do since windows are mean and intentionally trick birds into flying into them.

8. Climb through the broken window taunting it as you do.

9. Find the nearest bathroom and tend to your numerus wounds from climbing through broken glass.

• Important note: Next time look up the How-twos: Climbing through broken glass window edition, before climbing through the window.

10. Find the kitchen and get something to drink and a snack. You have lost a lot of blood due to the mean window cutting you. At least you get the last laugh knowing it can’t hurt any more birds.

11. Go to the door you were trying to get through and turn the latch to unlocked.

• This could be different depending on they type of knob, if you are unsure look up all existing knob styles online and compare them to the one in front of you until you find a match.

12. Go back to the bird hating window you smashed and climb back through it to the outside.

• Important note: Did you look up the How-twos: Climbing through broken glass window edition yet? Bet you wish you had.

13. Cautiously approach the door again remembering how dangerous they can be. (Doors kill more people per year than sharks. Let that sink in.)

14. Grab the door knob squeezing as hard as you can to show dominance. The harder the better.

15. Twist the knob quickly and kick the door with both feet. (This keeps the door from being able to attack you and with any luck will cause it to open.)

16. Get up off the ground. (Kicking with both feet always results in landing on your back. But don’t worry the back is the strongest part of the body and can take extreme abuse with no consequences.)

17. Walk through the door yelling triumphantly. (This has the added benefit of embarrassing the door.)